I have some large travel trunks of emotional luggage and unpacking them has been difficult with having to deal with everyday life. July 2024 has been hard with friends’ passing, first time manager coverage and trying to be present in online dating.
Did the attachment project quiz and wasn’t surprised in the results: disorganized. What does that mean , well I had the typical 80s prairie eldest girl with divorced parents childhood. So “lucky’ to be the oldest girl of the oldest girl of an oldest girl, expectations and all. I got to be the parents’ guinea pig but measured against parent and grandparent experiences. Learned responsibility way too young and how to ask so many questions about why and how things worked.
I had to figure things out on my own or find the answers in books. There’s alot of family lore regarding my questions, always with the questions and wanting to know the reason, background, origin story, why… I’m sure my parents tried a bit, but grandfathers’ were patient enough to stop and listen. The anxiety I have today if I don’t anticipate all the contingencies, ask all the appropriate questions, I just get frozen in decisions or ignore the situation. Not healthy way to approach adulting.
How do I get all fixed up?
- journaling here? It’s semi-private but it will shame the ones that need to be shamed
- could call the EAP at work, not ready for that
- have space in new conversations, clingers are cringey
- aloof doesn’t work if I want to have friends, especially with support
- be open to getting hurt, don’t discount at “the book cover”
- get my own doggo, part-part time isn’t fullfilling enough
- hyper-vigilance is too much cortisol for my health
- ride my bike more, they complain from not being used
singletrack sessions 
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